5 Tips for an honest Marriage
If a marriage were a house, one of its pillars would be honesty. Building an honest marriage is essential for not only making it work, but also enjoying the experience.
Marriage can be an amazing experience when the people involved are vulnerable and make a commitment to love each other.
1. Build trust
John Gottman, PhD, a marriage therapist and researcher, identified the four dark horsemen which threaten marriage; contempt, criticism, defensiveness and stonewalling. Engaging in these destructive activities can undermine trust and result in a toxic relationship. Knowing how to fight without resorting to destructive tactics and taking responsibility for one’s actions can play a key role in strengthening trust. When you have an ‘us versus the problem’ mindset, it is easier to resolve conflicts and overcome setbacks in your marriage.
2. Understand that it is okay to disagree
An older aunt once looked at a couple who were members of the family and remarked to me that they would not last. I argued vehemently against her because they were always chummy and sweet to each other. I had also never seen or heard them fight, something I erroneously thought was an indicator of a strong marriage. However, within a year they had one of the most acrimonious divorces in our community.
While it is impossible to always agree on everything, it is important to remain fair and respectful at all times. A failure to accept that there is a problem and to actively seek to resolve it could create a situation where it compounds and blows up in a huge fight.
3. Communicate clearly and often
If you have observed state events and ceremonies, they are intricately planned and all protocols observed. This is because people recognize that every aspect of their interaction with others can be interpreted as a sign. Leaders of countries and officials are coached on both verbal and non-verbal communication. This is just how important communication is-it can have profound implications on your relationships and self-perception.
Talking with your spouse is one of the most effective ways through which to earn and maintain the trust of your spouse. It is important to be honest about what a person is feeling and to be kind in their communication with them. Sharing your thoughts and feelings can be essential in keeping the relationship alive.
However, you also need to know what not to say, and how to say what must be said-communication after all is both the message and how it is delivered!
4. Learn to forgive
The art of forgiving is one of the most challenging things that a couple can learn. This is because true forgiveness also requires a willingness to forget about it. While many people may be quick to forgive, they are painfully slow to forget. So a mistake that is forgiven today, can be used against you next year. Bringing up the past can undermine trust by creating a cloud that makes a person to feel that their mistakes will perpetually be used against them.
5. Make time for you two as a couple
I can hear you asking yourself what does spending time together have to do with it? However, when you are both lost in work and raising kids, there is a risk of growing apart. Plan special dates and either go out or simply stay at home when need be. If you are blessed with children, send them to a playdate or have a baby sitter take care of them. Ensuring that you enjoy each other’s company can be instrumental in ensuring you maintain a loving relationship.
When your spouse makes a ‘bid’ for intimacy, that is when they make a romantic gesture, such as seeking to kiss you, hold your hand or initiate sex, its important to indulge them as much as possible. This will be essential in enabling you to become closer and to enhance the trust between the two of you.
Bonus tip—be as truthful as possible! When you say you are at the grocery store, but a mutual friend tells your spouse you are at a café, then you breed insecurities that can burn your marriage in the end.